The Reality of Radical Acceptance
“I am out with lanterns looking for myself” Author - Emily Dickenson
As I sit and talk to more and more parents of estranged adult children, a common theme runs through most of our stories… Children often forget that their parents (we) are human beings too, navigating life for the first time, making mistakes, feeling scared at times and doing our best without always knowing the right way. When they were small, our children looked up to us and saw us as strong unwavering figures, always there to guide & protect them. From a child’s perspective, parents seem to have all the answers. And when they were small, it was easy to have the answers or make them feel safe if they were scared.
The truth is, we are just learning and growing every day, just like our children. We’re just in bigger, older bodies and further down the line in years. We face struggles, traumas, fears and uncertainties and we often hide this from our kids to maintain their sense of safety and wellbeing. And in the face of our own chaos, we don’t always get things right. I am for certain, guilty of that. Full stop.
As our children grow older, and see that we’re not actually ”super heroes”, our own fallibility becomes more apparent. We hope that they will see that we too, are learning and growing and doing the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have. Making mistakes is part of the human experience. But, sometimes they don’t understand. Some of our children, for their own reasons, distance themselves or walk away completely. Sometimes, they feel the need to find themselves, apart from us; or they fear judgement and disapproval from us. Sometimes they leave to protect themselves from abusive behaviors, sometimes we don’t know the reasons, and yes, sometimes they’re judgemental and angry. Whatever their reasons are, it’s devastating to us as their parents when they walk away.
The sooner we learn that we have NO CHOICE here, NO CONTROL over this situation, the easier it will be for us to get on to the healing process. This decision to separate from us was theirs. Even if you think their significant other is to blame, which I hear a lot, ultimately the choice was our Childs. Because they are grown adults, and because this was a choice they made, we can not make them come back; not by guilt, force, anger, threats, tears, medical diagnosis… This is where we must realize we can’t make decisions for them or protect them. They are adults with their own minds and on their own journeys. THIS IS THEIR JOURNEY, NOT YOURS. You may disagree with that, because yes, by default we are forced to go on a this painful journey also, but it’s not the same journey our child is on.
It took me a couple of YEARS into my estrangement with my daughter to get this. I grieved and grieved…and it became complicated grief. I was stuck in the dark. I had to force myself to start looking inward. Through therapy and healing with Trina (yes, I share her information if you’d like it) I was able to identify my fear of abandonment and how it affected my behaviors, my relationships, and my parenting style. I also worked on my OCD, which I had silently struggled with since my teen years. Why had I kept that a secret? Why was I afraid to show that to my children? I thought I was protecting them, I didn’t want them to have the same OCD fears I had, but OCD doesn’t work that way.I know that now. I had to really understand that the decisions I made, big and small, affected my children in different ways. My estranged daughter went through a lot…because of my choices. She felt out of control most of her life. I had to accept that. When I finally did, the healing began, thank GOD.
There is a term called Radical Acceptance. It is the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control, not resisting what one cannot or chooses not to change. You don’t have to agree, you do have to accept, because fighting “WHAT IS” is exhausting and it gets you nowhere.
I hear other parents whose children have left say things like; “this is not fair”,” It shouldn’t be this way”, or “we didn’t deserve this”…. Like I said, accepting doesn’t mean agreeing. It’s more like, “I’m in this shitty situation, I don’t think that it’s okay, but IT IS WHAT IT IS, and I can’t change that it happened”. It’s painful and it takes practice, but it’s the only road towards healing. If you ever hope to reconcile one day with your child, you need to look inward and accept what has happened and begin healing yourself. That way when the time comes, if your child and you do reconnect, you have both (hopefully) done the work necessary for a healthy relationship.
Once I was able to do this, I was able to reach out to my daughter and offer her an apology that was heartfelt, which made her feel seen and validated. We have begun opening the doors of reconciliation and I’m certain that wouldn’t have been able to happen without Radical Acceptance on both sides.
As always, I’m here. Please feel free to comment or email: officialmomerased@gmail.com
