Baby Steps

I am treading ever so lightly on the thin glass of hope. My estranged daughter has been texting me, sending me pictures and videos of my precious grandson. She is ready. She said she doesn’t want anymore time to go by where we are not in each other’s lives. For five years we have been apart, estranged, missing out on each other’s lives and our own relationship.

What do I feel?? Elation, joy, peace and also scared shitless. I know, I know…this is IT!! THIS is what I’ve prayed for. The day I’ve been waiting for has come! Yet, here I sit, in this frozen place…not knowing what to do next. I actually have hope. The risk of losing it is terrifying.

The fear of the unknown… I still have so many questions. What if I say or do something that triggers her and she leaves my life again? What if my mere presence triggers her? I mean, I have done a lot of inner work, but at the end of the day I am who I am, full of imperfections and flaws….and love. My love wasn’t enough before. Will it be enough now? Will I be enough?

I keep reminding myself to stop looking into the future. Baby steps. I’ve texted her a little bit about trivial things. Inside I have a sort of running tab of all the things I’ve wanted to tell her over the last five years, all that’s happened. There’s been so much! But then I stop myself. Does she want to know? Will I ask the wrong question? She has told me not to worry about saying too much or the wrong thing because she is clear about who she is now and her own boundaries. The thing is, I am not clear on her boundaries and how do you begin re-introducing yourself to your own daughter?

I keep reminding myself - baby steps; Take each day as it comes. These early days are fragile. Love - with caution, but don’t let the what-if’s of the future take hold. Be brave and let love be our guide.

Have any of you experienced this? I am always open to advice. Feel free to drop a comment or send me an email.

officialmomerased@gmail.com

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

Tina