Therapy
“Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe” Author Yuri Sakugawa
10/28/2019 (Journal Entry)
I was grieving and trying to get through the days. My husband had his surgery and the doctors believe they removed all of the cancer from his chest. He’s gone on the road with an artist which has given my little one and I time to ourselves. She’s 7 yrs old and I’m trying so hard to shield her from the darkness. She doesn’t understand where her sister and E have gone. She feels it despite my efforts. One night we went to bed early, I needed to stop feeling. As we were laying there she draped her little arm across me and turned to look me in the face and said, “Mommy I’m here. Isn’t that enough?”
That was my breaking point. I had to pull my shit together.
It’s time to talk to someone… I’ve started on a journey of working through my own core issues of fear of abandonment (adopted), my own childhood, my never ending guilt and anxiety. And of course I’m working on the immediate issues of betrayal grief - the self-protection of shock, denial, false hope and avoidance are gone. I have so much of my own shit to sort through.
December 30,2019 (Excerpt from Journal Entry)
Our favorite holidays have come & gone in silence. This isn’t her setting boundaries or finding herself. This is punishment. The silent treatment is unhealthy, cowardly & cruel. She felt judged? What the hell do she think she’s doing if not judging us? She is the judge & the jury.
I see she spent time with him & his family - the happiest of times. Of course it hurts, but I’m glad you’re happy. I miss you. Our family feels different…like a death that everyone tried to tiptoe around. There is a sadness. But you’re happy.
Emma misses E. We miss him so much. This time that we’re missing with him that we can never get back. It’s all so sad.
My therapist told me: “The “silent treatment” is a form of abuse, control and manipulation. A healthy person might ask for time and space or therapy sessions to work through whatever the conflict is, but is always willing to communicate.”
I realize now that this is HER decision. My daughter chose this path. There is no-one else to blame, no-one else forced her to do this. She chose this path for a reason, her reasons and I have to accept that. Even if we don’t align, she has her own perspective on the past and events in her life and in order to begin healing, I need to understand that and own it.
Through therapy I learned to remind myself that every painful feeling has an end point. It won’t last forever. There is comfort in knowing that, a lifeline of sorts.
The boys came to visit for a long weekend. It was exactly what we needed. We all went to a haunted house and laughed so much. They literally wrapped me up in their love and it meant more than they’ll ever know.
