I’m Just So Angry…

8-17-2019 (Journal Entry)

“Feel it. The thing you don’t want to feel. Feel it. And be free.” - Author Nayyirah Waheed

My husband was diagnosed with skin cancer - Melanoma, the scary shit. I know she knows because another family member told her, but she hasn’t reached out. Of course the what-if’s start, like what if this progresses and he gets really sick, will she regret all of this? What if someone in the family is hurt, or passes? Will she show up? Reach out? I just keep hearing myself say “how could she do this, how could she just leave our family like she was never here?” Why don’t we matter?

I feel erased.

I am shattered. I’m angry! I’m devastated. I’m still in shock, still in the fog of heavy grief. I don’t think I will ever be the same. I don’t see how any of us can ever be the same. The realization that your child doesn’t want you…how do you process that? I feel so much guilt and shame. But, I also know I deserved better than this! She’s gone and the loss is physically painful. I don’t want to feel it. Im exhausted just going through the motions. I think I need help. I don’t know how to climb out of this hole. I want to sleep, cry, scream, run, yell.

I want to stop feeling.