Storm Damage

“The weird, weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no ida how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking.” Author - James Patterson

03/04/20 (Previous Journal Entry)

Yesterday was E’s bday. I sent an email to wish him a happy birthday. No response.

But then something happened last night that changed everything for me.

Your sister & I fell asleep with the TV on, knowing we were expecting storms to move through. Around 1 am we woke up to warnings & alerts that there were confirmed tornadoes on the ground in the downtown area. By 1:20 there were news reports that East Nashville had been hit hard. Last night an F-3 tornado tore through your area & neighborhood. You’re gone, I get it, but I am still your Mom and you have to know I was a wreck, imagining the worst after seeing the pictures on the news. I tried to reach out to you - because surely, with something this extreme, you would at the very least want me to know you guys are okay… Silence. Em & I were up all night watching the news. She kept asking if you & “E” were okay. I called Todd in NY, I was messaging your brother C at 3:30 AM hoping he could reach you. Todd tried reaching out to you. Everyone we know was reaching out to both of us wanting to know if you and E were okay! That’s all anyone wanted to know…are you okay? We were heading to my car when I got a text from someone telling me “not to worry, you’re okay and you’re posting on social media about the damage from the storm…”

Wow. I had no idea your contempt ran so deep. Anger?!?! Guess what? You’re not the only one. I’m fucking angry too. My brain is swirling with disbelief that you could be this unfeeling, un-empathetic and cold. Even a thumbs up, or “Im fine, fuck off” text would’ve been better than SILENCE!!! Once again, I’m in disbelief. Utter shock, just like the day you left.

Your little sister didn’t have school, as they assessed damage in different areas. All day this little 7 year old made drawings of her & I as little gifts to make me smile. She rested her hand on my shoulder, just to reassure me because she could see the physical toll this grief is taking on me. She is such a smart and amazing little girl V. She does not deserve to see me like this, and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve a Big Sister who just walks away, out of her life.

I’M SO ANGRY!!!

I’m so ANGRY!!!!