(NO) Contact
May 9, 2024
“I wait and ache. I think I have been healing.” Author - Sylvia Plath
In a little more than a month, I will be 5 years into my estrangement with my daughter.
In those 5 years, there’s been a little bit of contact, here and there. When she first left and went “no contact”, I tried reaching out to her a couple of times out of fierce desperation, only to get my hand slapped with an angry response. Of course I did. I’m her Mama. I had to fight for her. But, She was angry and Though it was the most impossiby difficult thing for me to do, I gave her the space she demanded and I left her alone. It literally went against every maternal instinct in my body. It was hard to reconcile not reaching out to my daughter, when as a mother, the instinct is to never give up on your child(ren). I didn’t give up…but she’s an adult now making the new rules and I had no choice but to accept that and abide.
Excerpt from my previous journal entry: October 2, 2020
“I heard from you today. I don’t want anyone to know yet. This is mine. Sacred. Progress. Hope.”
I heard from her, and it was real dialogue. Some sweet, some hard to hear, but it was a start. There was mention of us unraveling our past under the guidance of a therapist. YES. A thousand times, yes. I have hope to hang onto, as I wait.
So, this is how it has gone over the past couple of years… we have forward movement and positive dialogue, once or twice a year. I am careful not to say too much, or reach out to her too often. I can look back and recognize my deficits and the ways that I hurt her. It doesn’t matter that it wasn’t intentional…what matters is the way she ended up feeling, her perspective. I’ve offered her apologies for not being what she needed as a mother and the various ways I’ve failed her, and made her feel small. We’ve made progress. She has even unblocked me on social media and followed me. She sent me a few pictures of my grandson on his birthday last year. A few more emails, both of us apologizing and more talk of getting together with a therapist to rebuild our special bond. More silence. Oh God…What happened, what did I say that scared her away? Or, maybe she’s still healing and still needs the space to figure it all out. Thanksgiving 2023, I received a text from her. She was allowing me to have her number. I was all at once elated, grateful and terrified. What are the rules? What if I say the wrong thing? Does she want me to take the initiative and reach out to her? Call her, even? What if I say the wrong thing? Is she waiting on me? If I don’t call, what will she think? Will she wonder why I haven’t called and think I’m failing her again? What if I call her and she can’t talk or gets angry because I wasn’t supposed to call her and I crossed a boundary.What if I say the wrong thing? FUCK!?! I am her Mama, and I love & miss her presence every single day, but I am AFRAID I’ll say or do the wrong thing and lose her completely again. These brief interactions that I have with her, are ALL that I have, and I don’t want to lose them. I don’t know the rules. Or, maybe I’m still healing, and giving myself space to figure it all out.
The rules of estrangement. There must be a million books on the subject of parenting, every one with advice on how to be the best parents, and how to raise your child. Every decade or so, the rules change and suddenly the way that used to be the “best” way, has changed and is no longer acceptable. New authors with new opinions and advice. None of those early books can prepare you for the day your little one would grow up feeling angry, unseen, unprotected or resentful; feeling like you failed her as a parent. God knows, Ive always tried to parent all of my children, with my heart and not from a book, yet here I am trying to find the right answers to impossible questions, from books. How to contact, when to contact, when not to contact, will she, won’t she, what if she, should I, shouldn’t I…..??? Yes, indeed, the rules have changed.
I will always parent with my heart. Right or wrong, it’s just who I am. So, I will continue to remind her she and “E” are loved and missed beyond measure, by our whole family, while meeting her where she’s at.
Acceptance is the new rule.
