The Only Way Out Is Through
“Painful feelings are, by their very nature, temporary. They will weaken over time as long as we don’t prolong or amplify them through resistance or avoidance. The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through.” Author - Kristin Neff
April 30, 2024
Present Day:
Ive shared just a few of my personal journal entries on this blog, hoping to convey that the deep sadness, shame and anger are all a common thread we estranged mothers share, a kind of club we all belong to that we never signed up for. I didn’t share the endless entries where I couldn’t lift my head up off my pillow, or the times I spent sobbing in a closet or in the shower so nobody would hear me. I also left out the darkest days, where I believed my entire family would be better off without me. All I knew was, I have an estranged child - I failed at the most important job of my life, Motherhood. My boys have their father who can give them the world and Em would be well loved by her daddy. I would remove the odds of me destroying their lives because I no longer had faith in my ability to be a mother. My own daughter said her little sister needed to be protected from ME…. It was the darkest place I had ever been. But, day after day I kept going until finally, I asked for help which wasn’t easy, but it saved me.
If you are in the beginnings of estrangement, please know the pain as you’re feeling it at this moment does not last forever. As Maya Angelou so wisely put it, “Every storm runs out of rain.” It’s okay to have those bad days, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel the anger and the shame and the shattering pain of losing your child to estrangement. Avoiding the pain will keep you stuck, and grief is like emotional quicksand, if you don’t honor your feelings. If you push your feelings down, you’re not able to live in the present moments that are happening all around you. You might pretend to laugh or enjoy a moment of joy, but inside, you’re a zombie going through the motions. Grief is messy. There is no time limit….but you can’t run from it.
One of the best things my husband did in our first year(s) of this, was to force me to take daily walks with him. Sometimes it was below freezing, but the shocking air somehow helped. Sometimes, I would beg him to leave me alone because I simply didn’t have the energy to do anything, but he would always convince me to go. Sometimes, he would listen as I would cry and yell about how angry I was, or how impossibly sad I felt, and sometimes, we would just stay silent the entire walk. Breathing in the fresh air, feeling the warmth of the sun or noticing the changing leaves. Those walks were like a lifeline to my mind and my heart. The exercise alone was so healing. Our talks on our walks, were sacred and to tis day they still are.
That leads me to my final piece of advice; talk to someone. TALK TO SOMEONE. If it isn’t your best friend, or your husband or you life partner, find a therapist or a support group. You have to release all that is inside you. Ive also found that talking to someone can offer you a new perspective, if you’re open to it. At the end of the day, whether we agree with it or not, the decision to leave was our adult child’s. We can either sit in our anger and pride, which only keeps the walls up OR we can understand that they have a perspective that we must acknowledge in order to start the healing process. Talking purges, it releases some of the heaviness. It allows space for reflection, retrospection and ultimately, healing.
Talk to me. I am here. You are not alone. I’ll walk this walk with you.
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