Love or Enmeshment
There is no life in me without you. I breathe for you. I live for you.” - Author Kevin Hart
5/20/24
I haven’t written in a while and I definitely feel it. First, we had Mother’s Day and God knows there are more than enough posts around the topic of Mother’s Day - especially where difficult relationships are concerned. I thought I’d spare us all. lol. And then my sweet kitty, Grace, got horribly sick and ultimately passed away. She was 15 and was an amazing part of our family for all of those years. The house feels so empty without her…
The other night I watched as comedian Kevin Hart was awarded the Mark Twain award. I was moved by his acceptance speech, and the way he spoke about his family. As he talked about his love for his children, he broke down in tears. “There is no life in me, without you. I breathe for you. I live for you.”, were his exact words. It reminded me of how I feel about my children. I think most parents feel very much the same. Once you become a parent, everything else kind of takes a back seat as your days are consumed with caring for them, feeding them, bathing them, teaching them, reading, taking walks, cleaning up after them, taking them here, picking them up from there… your days become so much less about you. The self fades and life’s purpose becomes wrapped up in this little human. For me, being a mom filled my days, my life, my heart. Recently Ive heard that this is unhealthy and that’s too heavy of a burden to place on your child… And so I wonder, Will Kevin Hart’s children feel this way one day?
I heard a discussion once, I believe it was Dr. Joshua Coleman who said, our children will never love us as much as we love our children. That’s not to say they don’t love us, but from day one they are on their own journey. How many times have we heard or even said, “you’ll understand when you become a parent”? I can see now, how true that is. We spend our lives as parents, trying to do everything we can for them so that they are educated, healthy, happy and feel loved. We teach them to walk and talk, how to get dressed and tie their shoes, we teach them right and wrong, how to become good individuals, so eventually they can follow their own path in life. With each milestone they are one step closer to leaving. In fact, that’s how parents measure success…it’s in seeing our grown child forging his/her own way in life and love. It’s actually the hardest part of parenting, if you ask me. “There is no life in me without you. I breathe for you. I live for you.” It’s the cruel juxtaposition, between loving this person with a love that is like no other and the realization that you must let them go.
Does letting them go mean that’s it?!
I know so many families who remain very close with their adult children even after they’re married, looking at it as I always have; not that their family is separating, but that their family is growing. Is that a “wrong” perspective to have today? Should we as parents be so evolved that once our child is grown we shouldn’t expect to remain close to them? I am really struggling to understand what has changed? When I was a child, children had no voice, or family vote or opinion. I always wanted my children to feel loved. I attended baseball games, soccer games, plays and dance recitals. I volunteered in their classrooms constantly. I praised them and hugged them, I read to them, played kickball, wrestled and had dance parties in the living room. I parented with my heart and always felt enormous pride for doing it so differently than my parents did with us. None of us is without fault. I know I made mistakes. I carry so much guilt, always wishing I could go back and do certain things differently because my goal, my purpose in life was to make sure my kids understood how big and unconditional my love for them was, yet somehow that got lost in translation and that can only be on me. I look around me and I see families together all the time. My best friend has two grown adult daughters who have significant others and they all travel all over the world together, as a family, sharing life together. I see these types of close relationships everywhere, all around me. I envy those families so much. I DO! We dream about the days when our children are grown and assume that love and bond will remain, always. Instead, I felt shamed for wanting those things. I was called “sick” and told to “get help” and our once closeness, was now enmeshment. She once asked me “Who told you it’s supposed to be that way?”just weeks before leaving. “Most people over the age of 17 don’t take trips with their parents…”. I guess that’s true for some families. Not the families I know and I never imagined that would be the case with our family. I regret that I made her feel that this was the only way.
These are the years where we look forward to becoming grandparents and taking family vacations to the beach and sleepovers and all the adventures that come along with family. I do look SO forward to those days with my boys and their wives and children and I’m blessed to get to do that with my step daughter and her family. It’s these most sacred bonds that we share, that give our lives value and meaning.
There is no life in me without you. I breathe for you. I live for you.”
