Questioning Everything

“There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts - before this and after this.” Author Unknown

July 14, 2019 (Journal Entry)

“ I am so tired and don’t want to speak to anyone. I don’t want to force a smile for my little girl or for my husband, to assure them I’m okay. I don’t want to make conversation. I’m so heavy. Last night, I couldn’t sleep. Questioning everything about myself and looking back into the past searching for answers. We came home from our pre-booked beach vacation with my best friend where I was never alone to process all of the feelings bubbling through me the entire trip. So, Last night was like some kind of release. It all came out in huge gutteral sobs that wouldn’t end. I blame myself. What if everything she said in her email the day she left, was right? Am I crazy? What if I do have BPD? What if I do ruin Em’s life? My own daughter FLED my life….I have be horrible. There is no one else to blame. I know families who have been in volatile relationships with their children and yet none of their children walked out of their lives. Why me, why her?

I changed “E’s” bedroom back into my husbands office. I miss him so much. Em is asking where they have gone?

I can’t do this. I can’t feel this…it’s too much.