Complicated Grief

“The ironic thing about loss is that it stays.” Author: Topher Kearby

6/25/24

We just got home from a quick trip to Naples Florida. My husband has some of the most amazing real estate clients who continue to remain loyal even after moving to other states. So, we drove with him from TN to FL to view her property and the property she wants to purchase. All I can say is, wow! It was absolutely gorgeous there, like walking into an episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”. My daughter & I got to spend some time at the beach, which is our favorite place to be, so we were grateful for that and our time away together.

Tomorrow will mark 5 years. June 26th is the anniversary date of the day my oldest daughter left our lives and journey of estrangement began. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if time has flown by or stood still. I’m different today than I was then. Of that I am certain.

I’ve gained insight and I’ve grown, but I’ve also lost. The losses changed me the most. The chemistry of my body has changed. My stomach has a permanent knot in it. My heart has a tick to it. I’ve struggled fiercely with depressions and PTSD. The basic ideals that I assumed just “were”, suddenly were not. The foundations that I thought could never be shaken, crumbled. It left me feeling uncertain of anything, anyone, including myself. I find myself second guessing anything that I say to my youngest child…who was just 7 when this all started, and even my older grown boys . It’s such a dark place, walking through the days as if I am walking through quicksand. I know they’re getting a different version of me, one that is unsure, hyper aware of my words and willingness to offer my opinions. It’s harder for me to laugh a real belly laugh. I rarely cry. Ive become very introverted, preferring to be home. I freeze when I think of picking up the phone to call anyone, including my children…and that’s not fair to them, but impossible to explain. I’ve engaged in therapy and I still take medication for the depression and PTSD, and I am definitely doing so much better, but pain like this changes you forever. There’s no rewinding or undoing. I’m different now. I have been educated in grief.

There are so many of us … members of this shitty club we never asked to be initiated into. We need each other. We have to hold onto ourselves or rediscover ourselves- who we were before this happened, but wiser and more aware. I am trying. I still believe in the overall goodness of people and sacred family bonds. I’m healing. That’s the reason I started this blog. To find my voice again, to heal with others who understand and have been changed by pain. We’re all trying to heal.