Keep Going

“You weren’t the only one who left that day. I look in the mirror daily and try to figure out who this stranger is.” Author TMOF

4-28-22 (Journal Entry)

Ive been avoiding writing. I’ve found myself staying so busy I don’t have time to sit down an write. Writing makes me sit in my feelings and I am so tired of hurting. I mean I’m so much better than before… The waves still come, but I’m not drowning anymore. Maybe it’s the meds. Maybe it’s acceptance. Or maybe I’ve grieved all I can for what has been lost.

I am different. How can I not be? Grief changes you. It’s harder to laugh, I mean really laugh until tears are streaming down my face and I can’t breathe. I see people and relationships differently. I’m full of self doubt and blame. I see spirituality in a different way. I am changed. Less naive for sure.

I miss E. He won’t remember me or the time we spent together. His Uncles and Aunt, his Bebop. He won’t remember the walks we took, or the books we read, or the adventures we had. We won’t know each other. So much lost time. So much lost.

People are constantly saying “Let it go” for my peace…”Live your life” they say. I am trying to do just that. I can’t control the past and I can’t control the choice you’ve made. I can control me and how I choose to live from here on out. So here I am, surviving and loving and being loved.

One foot in front of the other…one step at a time, one day at a time. Days become months and months become years and just like that you realize your smile has returned and life continues…. Just keep going.