Genetics and Anxiety
“Worry often gives a small thing, a great shadow”. Author - Unknown
My youngest child was diagnosed with OCD & Anxiety.
She has an extreme fear of throwing up, which came about in 1st grade, when she got sick at school. It’s one thing to be anxious about something, but to fear it like she does, is difficult to explain to someone who has never felt this kind of fear. Your brain is in a constant state of heightened awareness ready to pull the emergency alarm at any given moment. Your insides feel like you’re standing at the edge of a cliff. She is afraid to leave our home because she wants to stay close to us. She is afraid to sleep without us. She is terrified of going to school. She refuses to eat breakfast in the morning because she believes she can’t throw up if she doesn’t eat. She only will eat lunch, that we pack her, once we pick her up from school. She asks if her food is safe to eat before every bite. Or, if what she’s eating is a good combination, she doesn’t want it to make her feel bad. What if she get’s food poisoning? She is pacing constantly. She is terrified every time she feels any kind of feeling in her body - afraid it means something is wrong. She’s just a tiny little thing….and the food avoidance scares me like nothing else. I lay with her and hold her when her entire body is trembling with fear and anxiety, as she pushes through another anxiety attack. I assure her she is okay and that she isn’t alone in this…that I understand what she is going through. And I do. I have the exact same fear of throwing up. It’s called Emetephobia.
The strange thing is, I always tried to hide it out of shame and embarrassment. I never spoke of it with my children. I never spoke of it with most people, but certain people in my life know, and have known for many, many years. My mother used to lay with me as my bed shook, while I worked my way through panic attacks in high school. They didn’t understand much back in the 80’s about anxiety. She used to beg me to tell her what was wrong, but how could I explain it to her? Anytime I tried to speak of it, people would look at me like I had lost my mind. My ex-husband would scold me and tell me I had to get over it, because we had children. When they got the stomach virus, I would hide away in a “safe room” in the house that was untouched by germs. I constantly had mints or mint gum with me because they made me feel better. I was always the one girl in high school who never drank out of fear of throwing up. To this day, I check dates on all food and drinks, won’t eat at any place that looks suspect, definitely no roller coasters, I won’t touch door handles…you get the idea.
When I found out I was pregnant with my now estranged daughter, I was immediately in love with her. She was mine. It was now the two of us. I just knew she was going to be the most wonderful adventure of my life. I was also filled with debilitating fear. I was terrified of giving birth because I had heard horror stories of women throwing up during labor. When she was born (no I didn’t throw up), it was her & I, and nothing else. Except my fear. I often am convinced that my own Emetephobia is one of the main contributing factors to our current situation. It bleeds into everything. When she was a baby she got the stomach flu - and a day later so did I. It set in motion years of limited touching and contact - no mouth kisses or sharing drinks. I started not eating because I was always nauseous and afraid to put food in my body. I found safe foods like dry cheerios, or French fries. By the time my daughter turned 18 months old, I weighed 89 pounds. That HAD to take a toll on my baby girl. I was afraid to kiss my own child! Did that affect her emotionally? Did it affect her ability to “connect” with others? She was the love and joy of my life - never meant to hurt her. I began therapy - I got a little better, but there were still many rules I followed in order to stay “safe” over the next 15 years. As I’ve gotten older it’s so much better… I still hate winter because of the germs, I don’t touch public door handles with my bare hands, I avoid public restrooms if I can and if I know someone who has been or is around is, is sick with a stomach virus, the panic is still overwhelming.
So to see this horrible secret monster I had kept hidden, rear its ugly head in my little girls life, was really devastating.
It forced me to work on it though….as Em gets help through therapy with an OCD therapist, I am working on it with her. Seeing her struggle to put food in her mouth, like we’re asking her to swallow acid, kills me. We’re a team though, the 3 of us. I am proud of her for working so hard on becoming stronger than her worry bug. And her older brother talks her through it and has taught her to go outside and breathe and count stars so she can beat her panic attacks. She was also put on medication and the difference has been incredible. For about a year now Em hasn’t had any panic attacks. Sometimes, it’s the way our brain is wired. Yes, it is genetic. No it is not my fault. My estranged daughter said I self diagnosed Em with this, but no, I did not. I would never wish this burden on anyone. Our therapist assured me that I did not cause this, create this. You can’t fake something like this or create it for another person. This is OCD and Anxiety.
And looking back now, I see how it most definitely affected my estranged Childs entire life with me…
